THE PLAIN DEALER, THURSDAY, MARCH 10, 1977

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Opinion/Analysis/Commentary

Dinosaur

He is all the things that add up to success

By Michael Swift

He is between 45 and 65. He is white. He is male. He is determinedly heterosexual. He suffers from hypertension. He is trying to quit smoking.

He makes between $25,000 and $50,000 a year. He has $20,000 in savings and $10,000 in stocks. He has many debts. He works for a large corporation or owns a small business. He dreams of making it to the top of the heap, but in the middle of the night he sadly realizes he's gone about as far as he's going to go.

He graduated from an undistinguished college where he majored in business administration or economics. He had to take courses in English in college that gave him a lot of trouble. He misspells words in the business letters he writes in longhand and is annoyed when his secretary points out the errors. He is basically inarticulate. He reads three or four novels a year. The novels are by Jacqueline Susann or Harold Robbins. He likes novels with a good "story."

Modern painting and modern poetry make him angry. He doesn't understand why art critics put down Andrew Wyeth. He doesn't go to the movies much anymore, but he saw "Jaws" and "All the President's Men." Marlon Brando and Jane Fonda make him sick. His wife is interested in the arts and encourages him to attend concerts and plays with her, but he is reluctant to go. He thinks the arts are basically sissy. stuff.

He watches every football game on television in the fall but isn't keen on baseball anymore. He belongs to a country club and shoots in the high 80s. He makes small bets on his golf game.

He drinks gin or scotch. He has three drinks before dinner, two at lunch. He gets tipsy on Saturday. afternoons in the grill room at the club where he plays poker for small stakes with other men his age. He would die if a black were ever admitted to the club, but he doesn't mind the token Jews who belong, though he's afraid they might get "pushy" if too many of them were let in. He says, "He's Jewish, but a real nice boy." He never says "nigger" or "jig" but wouldn't like to see his good neighborhood integrated. Not that he really hates blacks, but he's worried about property values. At least that's what he says. His $60,000 home is one of his biggest assets, after all.

He doesn't sleep with his wife much anymore. His wife cheats on her golf score and suspects he's cheating on her. After having lived with his wife for 20 years he has come to the sorry conclusion that he doesn't really like her. His wife is on Valium and gets drunk after one drink, which embarrasses him. She goes to a psychiatrist whom he doesn't trust. In fact, he thinks most psychiatrists are "witch doctors." He wishes his wife would go back to the bouffant hairdo she used to wear, instead of that awful Afro. He buys his wife an expensive robe at Christmas and a bottle of Arpege by Lanvin. He is basically stingy.

He loves his two children very much, but is baffled by them. His son is a closet gay or a silversmith in Santa Fe. He wishes his son would marry a "nice girl," settle down and take up golf. His daughter is divorced, had a nervous breakdown and is very promiscuous.

He picks up lonely divorcees in their late 40s at the cocktail lounges of the good hotels he stays at on business trips. He likes to fly. He thinks it would be neat to be an airline pilot. It bothers him that there are mature and married stewardesses today and male stewards. He kids with the young, unmarried stewardesses.

He is mildly interested in politics and makes small contributions to the

Republican party. He defended Richard Nixon and Spiro Agnew to the bitter end. He feels he was personally betrayed by Nixon. He thinks Jerry Ford is "decent" and "honest” and he voted for him. He thinks Jimmy Carter's obsession with religion is corny, but he doesn't really come out and say it.

He rarely goes to church anymore, maybe on Christmas and Easter, but he doesn't consider himself an atheist, though he wonders if there is a God after all

He voted for John Kennedy in 1960 because Kennedy was virile, rich and

good-looking. He was horrified by George McGovern and the freaky people at the 1972 Democratic convention. He supported the Vietnam War. He thinks we could have won the war if we had really tried. He thinks Ronald Reagan is an attractive personality, but he feels the governor is too far to the right and he doesn't like anything too far out.

He finds women's liberation ridiculous. He likes his women to be baby dolls. He would go into cardiac arrest if a homosexual ever propositioned him. He thinks the chains and bracelets young men wear are in bad taste. Young men give him the shakes. He is jealous of them and all the good sex he thinks they're getting. He is afraid young men might steal his job or his wife.

He wears single-breasted blue blazers and gray, cuffed trousers that expose his ankles. He makes sure his wing-tip shoes are always shined. His hair is neither short nor long. He doesn't like cities; he lives in a suburb or a small town. He would rather go to Delray Beach than Deauville. He bad mouths New York; the prices there are ridiculous, but he gets a secret charge from the city he visits three or four times a year on business. He stays at the Americana when he's there.

He is fond of words like "chief honcho" and "input." He is afraid to die and tries to blot death out of his mind because he's pretty damn sure there's no afterlife. He reads Time magazine and Playboy. He loved his mother very much, but wasn't close to his father. He's moved up the social scale a notch. He doesn't care for exotic food. When he goes to a restaurant he orders steak well done or filet of sole. He likes to do yard work. He lives in a colonial home decorated with traditional furniture. He likes a good-sized car; compacts are for bohemians.

He runs America.

Swift is a free-lance writer who lives în Connecticut,